The Gospel According to Blagz

Content Warning! A very long blog today.

Well I have been a bit reticent of late in keeping the blog updated.

A couple of major factors are to blame, the first being, summer is almost here and the sun is out and the fish are biting and I need to get some UV’s. The second reason is I am working on rebuilding my website.

I’ll keep yah posted on that second reason and of course if I hook and land anything bigger than my pinky, I’m sure I can Photoshop that into a monster catch which of course will be displayed here somewhere.
———- I have also started to slowly get back into the ‘game’, playing a few more MTT’s and SNG’s since I last posted. The itch is definitely returning even though I have had some awful runs of cold cards, in game after game. Picked up $60-70 last couple of nights playing smaller SNG’s with the Skype crew. Couple to note; Myself and Dog ending heads-up against each other, which lasted exactly one hand! Notch another one up to Blagz. Then the other night Dave SvcMgr played a SNG with me, where at one point we were both down to 300 or so chips with 6 players left who were all on 2-3k chips. But with a teeny weeny bit of luck and some artful kicking of ‘monkey’ testicles we managed to knock them all out and ended up, heads up against each other. Where Dave point blank refused to play the Blagz/Dog game, of all-in every hand no matter what, until there is a winner. "Nope, nope, I wanna play yah heads up man", he gleefully states and off we go.. ———-
Six hands later it is all over with yours truly picking up the bounty. Ahh life is so sweet sometimes..hehe
———- Moving on.. Our forum has started an internal team challenge competition, comprising of four players per team, with nine teams in total. To run over ten weeks with two games a week. We have so far played five of the twenty games. And… My team “The Blasphemers” is heading the league at the moment. Every member has scored points, we have had two wins a second and a fourth.. Did I say every member, well I meant every member but me the captain.. sheesh.. Hopefully my day will come soon..
———- Those of you not interested in Biblical history may want to close your browsers and move on to another webpage at this point. Talking about "The Blasphemers", I noticed a thread on our forum where some of the captains of the teams were attaching motto’s and phrases, pertaining to their team names. Things such as "The Vikings" team, fearing no one and conquering all. This got me to thinking about our team name, "The Blasphemers" and after some speculative research I discovered some unknown (until now) excerpts from the old testament about an anti prophet. These accounts have been deleted from all modern writings and publications of the Old Testament by modern theological scholars. The fact these excerpts are not recognised by today’s Biblical scholar’s does not detract in the least from their authenticity. Personally I truly believe the following testament to have as much validity as; A talking snake (aside from the Disney one in Jungle Book) That the eating of an apple can throw all of humankind into the sin bin, forever! (Tell that to Granny Smith.) That a man could build a boat big enough to hold two of all the animals in the world, back when we were sitting in hollowed out tree trunks and using armadillo’s as paddles. That a ghost raped a (married!) virgin and then she gave birth to a demi-god, from being banged up by said ghost? A Santa Claus look-a-like can point a finger and the sea f**ks off in either direction. And countless other ridiculous claims… Anyhow you get the picture. On with my newly unearthed and never before published discoveries;
“The Dead Beer Scrolls” And lo it was thus, that he known as ‘Blagz the Irreverent’, did go-eth up the hill knownst as Mount Sign-I-n and dwelt therein a hole upon the hillside, with no sustenance and no water for forty moons, living only upon the Golden Nectar of The Dark Lord, [who’s name we can not utter]. Then it came to pass that after forty moons and several score goatskins of the Golden Nectar, a vision came upon ‘Blagz the Irreverent‘ [who’s name we can utter]. The clouds aparted and a bright light shone down upon the face of ‘Blagz the Irreverent’ and he was most awed, as a Goddess (bearing an uncanny resemblance to Angelina Jolie) appeared unto him. “Come unto me Blagz the Inebriated” she whispered and slipped off her robe holding her arms out wide. Yet before ‘Blagz the Inebriated‘ could make one step the vision disappeared into a cloud of Golden Nectar induced hallucinations. And thus with a gnashing of teeth ‘Blagz the Inebriated‘ did fall upon the earth in woe. And in his solitude did begat with himself, which begat another begat, then after many begats ‘Blagz the SelfAbuser‘ did fall into a deep sleep.
Many more moons came to pass and many more goatskins of Golden Nectar were consumed. When once again a vision was given to ‘Blagz the Utterly Inebriated‘. And once again the clouds aparted and a voice came booming from the mists assailing the staggering man. ‘Blagz the Totally Smashed!’ It roared. Thee have been chosen to bear witness to mine laws. What doth thou say? Afrighted to look upon the dazzling vision, ‘Blagz the BlindDrunk‘ fell upon his knees and with bowed head, held out his trembling arms before himself. "Oh Lord..hic..doest with me as you will..hic.." Again the voice roared, “Go forth and gather thee ten stones and I will write down mine laws upon them for thee is a most a drunk-ed and thee will surely forget mine words.” Upon hearing these words ‘Blagz the Pooped-in-Pants‘ was a most scared and trembling, “Lord, Ten Stones? I have cast around and there are no stones and mine smashed brains doth err me from carrying any…..hic..” With a sigh that rocked the trees, the voice boomed again, “Oh ok.. I suppose we’ll have to do it the other way then” At these words a great joy filled ‘Blagz the RatherSmelly‘ for he knew he would not have to carry the great burden of the stones. “Turn thee around and raise thy cassock and present thine butt-ox unto me” rumbled the great voice. "I will deem to write my laws upon thine butt-ox." ‘Blagz the MessyBotty‘ with much chagrin did as he was bade and indeed did present thine bared butt-ox up unto the direction of the light. From within the misty clouds a narrow blue light of bluey blueness came forth bluely and burned these words upon the bare butt-ox of the anti-prophet ‘Blagz the Never-Sit-Down‘..
———- The Commandments Thou shall have no gods before me, excepting a Royal Flush this thou may pray unto. Thou wilst worship the nuts and only the nuts! It is a sin not to take thine Lords name in vain when sucked out uponeth the river. Thou shalt not labour on the seventh day of the week but thou will play poker from sunrise to sunset. Honour thy parents and the Bank of thine parents when you are on a losing streak. Do Kill, kill, kill show no mercy on the green goatskin. Thou can commit adultery if the husband hath sucked you out on the river with a gutshot draw. Thou shalt steal …. every big blind possible. Do giveth false testimony against another if thou think thee will not be called. Thou shall clean thine butt-ox when receiving commandments.
———- And so ‘Blagz the AssFlasher’ returned from Mount Sign-I-n to his peoples and bared his butt-ox to the peoples and showed unto them the words of the Dark Lord [who’s name we can not utter]. And lo many of the peoples fell to their knees and worshipped and adored the ‘unholy butt-ox’. And many of the peoples scorned the ‘unholy butt-ox’. The sect of the ‘unholy butt-ox’, otherwise known as the ‘Blagz Believers’ were favoured by our Dark Lord and moved on up to the $10 -$20 tables. And it came to pass that the unbelievers were turned to some fish and loaves by another prophet shortly there after.
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The name of the sect ‘The Blagz Believers‘ became corrupted over the years to the name we know today.. ‘The Blasphemers‘
———- Till the next time.. Good Luck on the Green Goatskin Folks.